Chattels

My dad had knee replacement surgery today on both legs today. I'm so glad it went well. I know it will be painful in the beginning, but hopefully it will be worth it. It sucks being so far away b/c I would have liked to have been there to help out, but I'm glad he has my mom and brother to help him through the healing process.

Lately I've been reading the book Captivating with a couple of sisters here in Auckland. I've been wanting to read this book for a while, and now I've finally gotten the chance. It's quite an interesting book about a woman's heart, her struggles and biggest fears. Today I realized something I've been waiting for.

"Not only do most women fear they will ulimately be abandoned by the men in their lives-they fear it from other women as well. That they will be abandoned by their friends, and left alone. It's time to reveal this passive threat, this crippling fear, this terrible lie."

It finally dawned on me. I finally know this bitterness in my heart. Abandonment. It's the reason I struggle to fogive. It seems so simple and I can't believe I didn't realize it before. I am terrified of being abandoned and yet, I know what it feels like. The moment I realized it, I had this image in my head of my heart beginning to mend. I understand it takes time, but I've been praying for God to reveal to me what I need to know to move past this point in my life. Yes, it hurts to feel this way, but I know Satan will continue to tell me lies. Lies that he hopes will stop me from befriending others and being open, loving and trusting as I once was. I refuse to let that happen.

This book also describes how Satan has had a hand in filling women with self-doubt in order to prevent ones restoration.

"For this is what he fears. He fears who you are; what you are; what you might become."

Later, it also says, "You are passionately loved by the God of the universe. You are passionately hated by his Enemy."

It's all beginning to make sense now. I might have been abandoned, but God will never abandon me. He is my best friend, my confident, my Father. I needed to be abandoned. I needed to learn these lessons. I'm still healing, but I hope to one day face the problem and walk away leaning on God and thanking him for this difficult situation.

Who knows what will happen from here? All I can do is continue to pray for help in letting go of the bitterness and pray sincerely for everyone. This is the last thing I want to deal with while in this beautiful country, but I'm beginning to understand that's part of the reason I'm here.

My work in New Zealand is just beginning.